I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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