My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
