I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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