I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
