The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
