Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
