I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
