there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
