Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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