3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
you had me at cake vodka
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We're too hungover to prance.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
