she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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