I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
