he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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