i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
