I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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