So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
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