i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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