Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
