Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
