Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
