He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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