this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
