Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Shame is for Republicans.
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