I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
