i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
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There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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