I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
