is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
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