I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
