The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i think i scared a bird with my dick
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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