I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
