I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I need to align my fucking chakras
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
