I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I love you. Go after that dick
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