I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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