I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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