Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
