How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
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I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
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He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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