so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
