You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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