u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
