if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
