I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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