Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
