Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
