I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
