I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
