paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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