Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
COCAINE IS GR8
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
