I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
