The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you have to choose: penises or morals?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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