I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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