why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
