I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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