The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
