I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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