I must be too annoying 4 u.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
