I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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